


Memories are best left forgotten In a broken mind | FREEHOUN

by Lambine



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Kind of vent, M/M, really just depressing, sad ig
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:40:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26328784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lambine/pseuds/Lambine
Summary: Sometimes memories are things that change you as a person.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	Memories are best left forgotten In a broken mind | FREEHOUN

Maybe It was a while since Barney had cried, he couldn’t tell… He didn’t know, Maybe you get used to It with the Combine. Not feeling anything for so long… the only memories rooted deep inside you seeming so far away, unable to touch or grasp, and lost in the individual grains of sand that they are, being slowly drifted further and further until they are nothingness. It was a blessing and curse of the nature he lived in. Being so desperate to relive everything he’d forgotten, but he’d forgotten what it felt like. He couldn’t remember, all he could remember was a shell of the feeling that was there a time ago… So why did it still hurt? 

Why did it still hurt the man almost Fifteen years later? Why could those deep rooted memories still take effect on him. Of course the answer was probably in some psychology book, written somewhere among the pages, looking into how the brain deals with traumas and much deeper things. But Barney didn’t need that, he didn’t need to know that, he didn’t need to know how it dealt with this. He needed to know, after all those years. Why he still missed him. 

Why? Why? Why? That’s all he could ask, wouldn’t be the first or last time he broke down about it. He’d been such a coward to tell some guy how he felt, how every time they had even small talk he’d feel so overwhelmed by emotions that he’d just crumple up. Love, that’s how you would call it right? 

  
The nights of drinking, the countless times he would cry, beat himself up about it. The thoughts. ‘He wouldn’t like you anyway’. ’You’re loosing it’ . ’You’re just some sissy who can’t even bring yourself to overcome him’…He was becoming his past self. 

Maybe he’d never even lost his past self, maybe he was the same old Barney Calhoun filled with the passion of a college dropout, conspiracy theorist, with an alcoholic spark. Same old same old. 

  
Drinking everything away, trying to dull down the relentless thoughts you have wouldn’t do anything either way, just leave you with an adrenaline that you’ve done something when you did nothing. He mourned, morned for nothing he barley had. For the new guy that he fell in deep love with. Gordon Freeman. He barely knew anything about him apart from he was a nerd, a quiet one too. Selective mutism. He liked watching a lot of overseas nonsense, invited Barney to his dorm a couple times to watch it. Didn’t make much sense but it was fun, Gordon and him would sit in blankets, sometimes Gordon would sit behind him, awaiting his reaction eagerly. Glancing back and forth between Barney’s nervous face and the colorful flashy screen. 

  
Where those interactions supposed to mean something? To make his heart race faster than he possibly thought it could go? He had no idea, but it made him feel that way… and he couldn’t bring himself to forget it, to loose Gordon in the grain of sands being taken away by the shore. He couldn’t loose Gordon. 

  
So fourteen years, nine months and two weeks later, he didn’t. He never forgot him. Even if it hurt, even after all that time he would put a smile on his face, act tough, or just pretend he didn’t know it. The parasite still stuck to him… he just couldn’t physically let it go. 

  
He cherished Gordon so much.

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of unfinished and I just made this to kinda vent out, nether the less thanks for reading .


End file.
